Home is where the heart is
by N Ashton
Summary: The order has been established to fight he-who-must-not-be-named. James and Lily are already members but it's hard when they're not supposed to be dating. In a time where you have to watch your loved one risk their life and maintain a certain distance.
1. Obligations

Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter. Sucks, doesn't it?  
  
Okay this is the start of a story that I don't know if I want to carry on with it but I just wanted to see how it goes.  
  
Home is where the heart is  
  
I've seen the world better than most. I know the world better than most. A man can claim to know everything but in reality he knows nothing. I've seen the mysterious world that you are told about as a child; I've seen the magic unfold, I've seen the monsters that it can create. I spent my teenage years growing up in that world, I spent seven years learning about it in a school of witchcraft and wizardry; absorbing the knowledge that I can, but what I learned was that it can become scarier, more frightening and more terrifying with each passing breath. It might be to do with the year I grew up or the fact I was born tainted with impure blood, the blood of a muggle. Born, taught and lived in a time where those persecuted muggle-born witches or wizards, who called themselves pure blooded. How can your blood determine how good or prosperous you should be? I was head girl in my seventh year, Lily Evans, head girl and at the time I thought that meant something but I was wrong. There will always be an unjust, there always has been right through history, magic or muggle. Now, at this moment in the magical world, some pure bloods go around calling themselves death eaters, killing muggles and muggle-born witches or wizards, killing those who side with us, who they call muggle lovers. It's not fair, but then it never is.  
  
I'm sitting in the cold, dank, dark corridor waiting, watching time pass me until my stupid shift is over, my thoughts swirling in my head. Come on Alice, I want to go home. Home. If you asked me when I was attending Hogwarts, my school, what I'd call home you'd get a totally different answer to what I call home now. If you told me then what I would, in time, call home I'd probably laugh in your face. I still can't believe it, because home for me, isn't an actual place or residence, it's a person, whom without I could never call anywhere home.  
  
I'm so bored right now that I almost wish something would happen, but in this case almost wasn't that much. Nothing was the best thing you could really ask for in this scenario, mainly because otherwise you might not live to see the next sunrise or the stars shining brightly. You see I'm part of the order, the order of the phoenix. Sounds impressive, doesn't it? The order only establishes itself in dark times, to combat the evil wizards or witches until the dark times pass. But in this case nobody really knows when that time will be. The leader has got the whole wizarding population, who isn't helping him, scared so much they won't even call him by the name he's calling himself. He's known as he-who-must-not-be-named or you-know- who, I'll tell you it will be a joyous day when he's finally defeated. And I know that day will come; it has too otherwise what's the point in risking my life every time I go on a mission for the order? Hope is the one thing each member has in common; we each hope there will be a better time.  
  
I jump when somebody apparated next to me,  
  
"I thought Alice was on tonight," I whisper to them, it was a girl called Stella, who was a few years older than me.  
  
"Change of plan, she was needed in Glasgow. How are things here?" she asked me in a sad tone.  
  
"As quiet as a tomb," I reply in a hushed voice,  
  
"Interesting expression," she says back, well we might be in one before the nights over.  
  
"It fits, doesn't it? Catch you later." And I apparate before she can speak back to me.  
  
I go to headquarters a report back, telling them what happened, or what didn't happen as the case was. It was done professional, the way it always was and before I knew it I was on my way home.  
  
I looked around the living room to see James sitting on the chair asleep by the fire; he'd waited up for me to come home, to make sure that I came home. James Potter. I can't believe I hated him with a fiery passion when I was at school and no matter how much I pushed him away he was always there for me, even when I said that I didn't want him to be. It wasn't until seventh year I finally let him catch up with me and I'm glad I did.  
  
"James" I whispered,  
  
"Lily?" he said back sleepily, getting up out of his chair to pull me into a hug. I hate it when he's sent on a mission, there's always a risk and it's getting bigger, so I know what it feels like for him when I'm out on the field. It may sound corny or overrated and a phrase that is used way to often but I'd be lost without him, which is weird as it's something I never thought I'd say or feel, especially when considering my previous feelings for him. He's the one who I come home to, the one who gets me up and go to work for, knowing I'm making the world a little bit safer for us. We walk towards his bedroom; we're currently sharing the house with other members of the order and we both fall asleep on the bed, cuddling up to one another, feeling protected and safe in each other's embrace, knowing that when the morning comes I'll have to leave quickly for my room before anybody really notices I didn't spend the night there.  
  
You see there's an unspoken rule in the order, which everybody should stick to, don't get involved. In a relationship that is, and that's the problem. James and I may have been dating since halfway through seventh year but it wasn't common knowledge. At the time I didn't want everybody knowing what was going on, I mean it was a school for crying out loud, secondly we were head boy and girl, a certain example had to be set. Even James's bloody best friends didn't know the truth. All they saw, was that James and I had grown to be friends, that he had got over whatever stupid crush he'd had and we were finally getting along, which was all they needed to know. And like a whirlwind after school we were swept straight into the order where this rule existed. I knew why it was in place and I did understand it. It was so you didn't get too attached to those who tomorrow may not even exist. But I couldn't let it go and neither could James. When we finished school we'd barely begun to explore what we had and it didn't make sense to throw that all away until the dark times had passed, if they passed, we would waste too much time, so we kept it secret. And that was the way it had to be, for now anyway. 


	2. Emotions

Hey everyone! I finally got the second chapter done. Thanx for the reviews and thanx to Brilover for the ideas, I just might use them!  
  
Home is where the heart is  
  
I wake up to the suns rays reaching through the blinds and I feel considerably alone, probably due to the absence of a certain red haired woman. I bring my arm up to my face to shield my eyes from the sunlight and breathe deeply.  
  
Bang, bang, bang!  
  
"Bugger off!" I shout at the person hammering on the door. It didn't work, because the idiot came in and pulled my bedcovers from me.  
  
"Come on, get up you lazy." came Sirius's cheerful voice,  
  
"I thought I told you to Bugger off!" I said, putting emphasis on the swearing,  
  
"And I thought I told you to get up." He replied in the same cheery tone. Help me! Maybe if I just stay here he'll go away. He must have known I wasn't going to comply with the request of getting up if the fact that he lifted the mattress up so I tumbled on to the floor was any indication.  
  
"Bastard!" I growled at him, while curling into a ball.  
  
"Now what was the spell for getting freezing cold water, let me think," he said. Great now I have to get up unless I want to be soaked and cold.  
  
"I'm up," I say while I struggle to get to my feet. I turn to look at him as water drops on to my head, soaking me. I lift my head and see him laughing uncontrollably, God I must of looked a right state. I know we're supposed to be adults here but... "One piece of advice, run!" I chase him down stairs of the house, trying to avoid the other occupants as much as possible, Sirius however just banged into them knocking some of them over.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" I hear somebody shout, which stops us both dead in our tracks. Not with what was shouted, it was the person who was shouting. Lily! I love Lily, I really do, but she has a really bad temper, one that you don't want to get on the receiving end of. At then it's like me and Sirius are back in school, because we each take turns on blaming one another, in an attempt the other will feel Lily's wrath. Some things never change.  
  
"Whatever," she says defeated, "I'm too tired for this, just clean up the bloody mess, you guys have got water everywhere." Sirius opens his mouth to speak but Lily cuts him off, "I don't care, just clean it up!" we both comply, because Lily can be scary when she wants to be.  
  
"How was your mission last night Lily," Sirius asks her once we're finished, I pretend to look intrigued, I mean it looks better if I've not seen her since before she left.  
  
"No go," she replied settling into a chair, "have we still got to be at headquarters at eleven?"  
  
"Yep," Sirius replies,  
  
"Shit!" I say noticing that it was nearly the appointed time,  
  
"That was why I was waking you up. Now go and bloody get ready."  
  
It wasn't until we reached headquarters before we realised that something was wrong; first of all, unlike the usual things going on in the world we got through it, pulling jokes and there was usually smiles, but not today. There was a morbid silence the moment we got in.  
  
"What happened?" I hear Lily say and I notice Sirius shake his head silently. We walked together quickly to the heart of our operation, where we hear the end of a gloomy speech, spoken by Dumbledore to other members of the order.  
  
".She will of course be sorely missed, but at times like this we have to remember why we're here fighting, and no matter what, we can't forget that. We need to remember that even though it seems like we're not, at the moment, making a difference, I am here to tell you that we are. We can't give in; we won't let her death be in vain by giving into Voldemort and letting him win." He trails off to silence; he looks in our direction and moves towards us.  
  
"I take it that you heard?" he said softly,  
  
"Who?" Lily replies quietly,  
  
"Stella Wainwright," he replies, oh no. She was only a few years older than me.  
  
"What? But she took over from me last night!" Lily says shocked. I feel a sense of dread fill me; that could of easily have been Lily, if she'd stayed that little bit longer. no I can't think that, I say to myself as bile rises to my throat.  
  
"I know Lily," Dumbledore replies, as Sirius puts an arm around her shoulders in a comforting way.  
  
Lily moves out his grip and asks uncertainly "When last night?"  
  
"We don't know; we just got the confirmation 20 minutes ago." Dumbledore says. After a moments silence he added quietly "I know you guys need a little space to digest this but the truth is we don't have the time." Lily leans backwards on to me for support.  
  
Sirius then asks the question we're all wanting to know, but aren't brave enough to ask right now, "What do you want us to do?"  
  
"There have been reports of suspicious activity around the North-west of England." Dumbledore replies while pointing to the designated area on a map, "I just want to set up a small surveillance team and."  
  
"Surveillance?" Sirius replies quickly. "Sir don't you think that."  
  
"If you had let me finish Mr Black." Dumbledore interrupted, and Sirius blushed, making me glad that I hadn't rushed in with that response too. "I'd tell you that, I wanted you three to go in first and make sure it was safe to send one in. I wouldn't mind sending in Peter or Remus but the less people going the less suspicious it seems,"  
  
"When do we leave?" I ask,  
  
"As soon as possible." He replies and we all nod, "If there is death-eater activity I want to know before any Muggles get mixed up in it."  
  
"How are we getting there?" Lily asks.  
  
"If I send you in by Portkey they're going to know, because I'd need to set one up." Lily nods in understanding, "If there are death-eaters they're probably watching who goes on or off the knight bus, which leaves."  
  
"Muggle transport," Lily finishes.  
  
"Yes Miss Evans. I'll leave it to you to decide which method you want. Try to keep minimum contact with headquarters," he says. Then with a serious look he adds, "be careful."  
  
We all head back to the house to get some stuff. While Sirius is in his room, I head to Lily's. I knock quietly on the door, no answer. I knock again and I swear this time I hear a muffled sob.  
  
"Lily," I say opening the door quietly. She was sitting on her bed with tears falling freely from her face. I shut the door behind me and move to sit next to her, pulling her into an embrace. She moves so she can cry with her head buried into my shoulder. I whisper comforting words as I stroke her hair.  
  
"Is this about Stella?" I ask, and I feel her nod. "Lily you can't blame yourself for what." I start to say but she cuts me off.  
  
"When I found out it was her, I felt relieved." She says lifting her head to look at me. "I felt relieved that it wasn't me. That it wasn't me who was killed, that it was her instead. And I feel so guilty because I still feel that way." She finished and buried her head again.  
  
I take a deep breath and say, "it's the same way I felt. I don't want to lose you Lil" Lily looked back up at me. "It's the same way anyone would feel. But just because we feel that way doesn't mean we wanted it to happen; nobody wanted it to happen and it doesn't mean that we don't care. We still need to carry on though; we still need to fight Lily and we can't do that if we're full of guilt and remorse."  
  
"Merlin, I love you James." She whispers, while placing her head lightly on my shoulder. "Don't you ever leave me!"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere, I love you too much." I replied with as much emotion as I could muster. 


	3. A very long Mission'

Sorry if the different Point of you confused you, I'm going to do it alternate. Anyway, thanks to the reviews, they were great. I know the chapter is quite short but I think that I finally know where I'm going with the story so it should be updated sooner from now on.  
  
Home is where the heart is  
  
'A very long mission.'  
  
*****Lily POV*****  
  
Eyes closed, breathing quiet, slow down thoughts........... Shouldn't I be asleep now?  
  
Sighing in frustration I open my eyes and turn on to my side looking over the side of the bed, only to see James looking at me intently and for some reason a smile automatically becomes present on my face.  
  
"Can't sleep," he asks me quietly, even in this dreadful light; in this dreadful place, I still find him absolutely amazing.  
  
"Neither can you by the looks of it," I reply quietly, before turning my gaze to Sirius sleeping on the couch. "He doesn't seem to behaving any trouble," I say grumpily, with my eyes narrowing. As soon as I say it, I hear a chuckle coming from James and my anger disperses instantly.  
  
We were all sharing a room in 'Wallmen's holiday inn', thanks to some stupid art festival in town and no other rooms were available. I took the bed instantly and Sirius then called couch. James said he'd sleep on the floor. Naturally I offered to share the bed as soon as Sirius was out of earshot. But James had confessed that sleeping next to me on a bed without being allowed to touch me would be worse than having to sleep on the floor; this was going to be a long mission. And besides it was only for one night, we were going to leave in the morning, as this was when the next coach left for the area we were assigned too. The death eaters wouldn't pay attention to muggle transport, unless they were going to attack it.  
  
"I hate this," he whispers quietly.  
  
"So do I, but hopefully soon, when we get the right Intel we can stop the death eaters and..." I reply.  
  
"Not that. This; us." He interrupts me waving his hands around, and I swear my heart stops. He can't be saying.... Because he promised me, earlier today he would never leave.  
  
"What? Do you...you not want us to be together," I somehow mange to say, as breathing is becoming harder.  
  
"Of course I want us to be together," he replies immediately and I could feel hurt in his reply, as though he was hurt that I doubted us. He gets up and kneels by the bed grabbing my hand. "I just hate that we're not supposed to be together."  
  
"I hate it too," I admit softly.  
  
"I hate not being able to hold you and kiss you," he carries on. "I hate having to pretend that we're just friends and having to maintain a casual space between us when we're talking or even sitting near one another in public. That's what I hate about us Lil'."  
  
I take a deep breath and let it out, not once taking my eyes away from his. "I've been in love with you for years, since I was fifteen and when we started going out, I was over the moon; I was happy. It didn't matter to me that we were keeping it a secret, but its getting harder Lily; it's getting harder to stop kissing you and harder to let you go."  
  
"I know what you mean," I whisper in conformation and the silence that follows feels deadly.  
  
Thank Merlin Sirius' mumbling cut through the silence. "Don't let the frogs escape."  
  
"What the..." I say to James,  
  
"Do not ask me to interpret the thoughts of my best friend, it's too disturbing," James replies complete with a fake shudder. I laugh, glad of the tension breaker.  
  
"We should really get some sleep," I say.  
  
"Yeah, we should." He replies, but makes no move to do so. Still kneeling by the bed, looking deeply into my eyes.  
  
I close my eyes and say, "Night James"  
  
"Night Lil'," he replies and I feel him place a kiss on the top of my head. Then he whispers into my ear, "don't let the bed bugs bite."  
  
For some reason sleep comes a lot easier to me now; now that James has tucked me in, to a certain extent.  
  
*************************  
  
"How much longer?" Sirius replies, mimicking a whining kid that was sitting a few seats in front of us on the coach.  
  
"Not long now son," James replies, and I feel giggles threatening to erupt at the interaction. It's been going on for an hour at least, Sirius the kid, James the doting Father. I bet James would make a great dad. He'd be the loose one and I'd probably be the uptight Mother.  
  
Where did that come from? I've never even thought about kids before; I've never even thought of James being the Father type before. Great if I'm thinking things like this, it must be getting serious. But, it's not a problem until I start thinking of baby names.  
  
"Lily!" I hear a voice say interrupting these thoughts.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're here," James replies. I hadn't even realised that, the vehicle had stopped moving, and I smile sheepishly.  
  
James stands up and grabs my hand luggage from the overhead carrier, which he then offers to carry for me.  
  
"Sirius is sorting the accommodation out," he says, walking with me off the coach. So that's where he's disappeared too.  
  
Knowing that we won't be interrupted, I pull James by the arm to a secluded area. I stand on my toes and brush my lips across his. He drops the bags' he's carrying and winds his arms around my waist pulling me closer to him, opening his mouth wide against mine. I needed this, a kiss, a kiss from James. And I know the analogy is dreadful, but I needed James in the way I need oxygen to breathe. And as my hands run through his hair, he subtly pushes me to lean against the wall, never letting his lips stay longer tan a second away from mine.  
  
Unfortunately, whatever we had going on would have to wait as I could hear Sirius calling our names. James pulls away and whispers, "This is definitely going to be a long trip." He squeezes my waist slightly before letting me go and then he drags a hand through his hair and I laugh at him, he'll never break that habit. 


	4. Secrets

Okay, I know I said I'd get the chapter out earlier but I didn't manage it. I hope you like the chapter. It's not much but it's something that's important for later on. I tried to show James' emotions here but I'm not sure if it's working...  
  
Anyway back on with the story.  
  
Home is where the heart is  
  
James POV  
  
One thing that I never felt for Sirius was what I was feeling now – hate.  
  
Okay, hate maybe a little too strong a word, but I certainly wish to Merlin he wasn't here right now. When we got to the small cottage that we were renting, it was discovered that it only had two bedrooms. Naturally, we wouldn't be gentleman if we didn't offer Lily the room to herself. The thing is that now, if I wanted to spend some quality time with Lily, I would have to be asleep in the bedroom when Sirius went to bed and there when he awakes in the morning. There is no way I'll be able to manage that because, surprisingly enough, Sirius was an early-riser. It was getting too bloody tiring to lie to him and I was never that good at it in the first place. I swear there have been too many close calls in the past, but no matter how much I hate it, I have to keep Lily's relationship and mine from him. It's not just my secret, it's Lily's as well and although we both trust him beyond compare, there are way too many consequences of him knowing. It's way too dangerous for a start just for Lily and I, but if for some reason he was given a truth potion and revealed details of our relationship, we could be blackmailed.  
  
Maybe we were just being idiots, but all I now is that I want as much time with Lily as possible and the more who find out, the less likely I'll get that wish.  
  
I look over to Sirius, who is currently jumping up and down on the makeshift bed like a kid. Even if me and Lily had a future where we would have one of those beautiful houses, a handful of children and a couple of pets we would always need an extra room for Sirius to stay on weekends.  
  
"Is this what guys call settling in?" said a voice coming from the doorway.  
  
"Of course Lily, I mean after the playwizards were hidden under the bed," Sirius replied, with the last part in a whisper as if we were being watched.  
  
Lily just rolled her eyes saying "men" under her breath.  
  
"Can you class Sirius as a man?" I say as a joke, to which he automatically replied.  
  
"Oh really, I'm not a man, please inform us of the last time you got laid and proved yourself a man?"  
  
It took all my strength not to look at Lily as he said that, for fear that we were being obvious. "We're not supposed to form relationships, or do you not remember?" I said, trying my hardest to remain neutral.  
  
"Can you class a quick shag as a relationship Prongs?" he replied happily.  
  
"I don't enjoy meaningless..."  
  
"Like hell you don't..."  
  
I opened my mouth to retaliate but Lily beat me to it, "as much as this conversation informs me to the insight of the male mind, which basically involves the thoughts of sex," she said sarcastically. "We really should get to what we were sent here for!"  
  
We followed her through to the living room, where a map of the surrounding area, was placed over the coffee table. We go over the destinations that need checking over by comparing the map to the list of locations we were given, and then we go over the shifts; two out in the field with one of us at the cottage, the usual procedure for this kind of mission. It's this way in case neither returns; one person would be left to report our disappearance and our findings. If there are more people, the arrangement will be slightly different but at least one would always remain behind. It was less dangerous if two people went into the field as often one could see something another missed, like for example, an approaching death eater. We agree together, that it was way too late in the day to start researching anything today, besides we were all tired from the travelling, and in this kind of work if your reactions were slow it could get you killed. Comforting thought, right? Well at least my sarcasm is still working!  
  
We talk about meaningless things as we curl up surrounding the hot fireplace warming ourselves up. Then the conversation turns sombre as we talk about the death of our fellow comrade, Stella Wainwright. I voice the knowledge that I thought it was Alice that was supposed to take over from Lily that night.  
  
"She was supposed to, but Stella turned up saying that she was called away to Glasgow," came Lily's reply. I turn to Sirius to ask if he could offer any explanation, but I was surprised to see a thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
"What do you know?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.  
  
"What?" Sirius said, jumping as though he hadn't heard what I'd said.  
  
"What do you know?" I repeated.  
  
"Oh... er... nothing," came the unconvincing reply.  
  
"Sirius?" Lily said softly.  
  
"Okay, but this is not repeated right?" Lily and I just look at each other. "I won't tell you until you promise you won't tell anyone, it's gone around enough," Sirius insisted.  
  
"We won't say a word, will we James?"  
  
"Not a word," I conclude.  
  
Sirius takes a deep breath and dives into it. "Rumours are circulating that Alice is pregnant."  
  
I was shocked, I really was. After remembering our previous discussion I glanced sharply at Sirius. Lily, once again beats me by saying, "I hope this isn't a result of a quick shag."  
  
"Why does everybody always assume..." he trails off. "No Lily, I am not the Father," he says to her angrily, "Shocked?"  
  
"Back off Sirius," I say warningly.  
  
He looks at me, "You thought it to, didn't you?"  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"The Father is... Frank Longbottom. Rumours are that they've been dating secretly for the past few months," he finished bitterly. "I'm going to get some sleep, probably a long day tomorrow."  
  
After the door shut Lily said, "He's pissed isn't he?"  
  
"Yep, but it'll blow over by tomorrow. You're lucky, you're not sharing a room with him tonight."  
  
"You could always stay in mine," she offered. Bless her but...  
  
"You think that wise? I mean with what's going on with Alice and Frank, if it is true, I don't think we can really risk exposure right now. They're bound to be keeping a close eye at headquarters for suspicious behaviour..."  
  
"We're not at headquarters," she stated.  
  
"Better not love," I say hating myself now, "with Sirius in a mood for what we just suspected of him, well we'd be kind of hypocrites."  
  
She nods, leans over to kiss me goodnight to which I respond gently and exits to her bedroom. I leave to the room I'm sharing with Sirius soon afterwards and sleep washes over me the moment my head hits the pillow.  
  
I feel a nudging at my side, urging me to return to reality. I open my eyes to see bright light and Sirius? "Piss off," I mumble, I'm not that much of a morning person.  
  
"Seriously James, I'm not messing here. I think Lily's sick," he says quietly and I jump out of bed.  
  
"Where?" I ask immediately.  
  
"I can hear her in the bathroom, it sounds like she's throwing her guts up," he carries on leading me out of the room with a worried face.  
  
"Lily?" I whisper as I knock on the door. When I hear a sound hitting the toilet again, I open the door with Sirius behind me. I quickly intake the scene, Lily was hunched over the toilet sobbing. I walk over and kneel behind her and pull her hair from her face. "Sirius, can you get something so she can clean her face?"  
  
"Sure mate," he responds quickly as I stroke Lily's back in what I hope was a comforting way.  
  
She moves backwards and leans on me. She breathes, her voice hoarse, "I was only eating a bit of toast."  
  
"Shush, it doesn't matter," Sirius says hovering after he passes her the cloth.  
  
"Yeah, it doesn't matter," I whisper. But inside I am worrying; Lily never gets sick, why now? 


	5. Mood Swings

I know it's been awhile so I hope that this fic hasn't been forgotten. I know this chap isn't too long but I need to do a Point of view for James on how lily's being acting. But for now... Hope you like it!

**Home is where the heart is...**

**Mood swings**

Lily's Point Of View

"But I feel much better," I say for what seems like the millionth time.

"We don't care how you feel now, it's what you were like earlier that concerns us isn't it prongs?" Sirius said.

"Yeah Lil," James starts but hesitates after I give him a mean glare. "Oh come on Lily, what happens if you're out in the field and then you all of a sudden get sick again."

"But we don't need to call headquarters for a healer. Minimal contact remember?" I argue as I run my hands through my hair in frustration – a habit I think I've picked up from James, a habit that I hate.

"But not at the expense of a member's health," James pointed out and Sirius nodded in agreement. Damn it!

"Look I won't go out into the field, I'll stay here and be base contact," I said, they start to contradict me but I say, "me going to back to base will arise suspicions and it's not like I wouldn't be doing anything major here if I just stayed in the cottage." The looks they were giving me showed that they weren't relenting. Next plan then, give James the look he can't say no to. "Oh please don't make me go back, I want to stay here, I want to help," I said making my voice soft, trying to make it seem like I was about to cry and pouting my lips. He has to crack.

"No chance Lily," Sirius replied, "That look doesn't work on us does it James?"

James looked so cute then, he was really torn between what to say and looked so distressed.

"James stay strong, no don't give in," Sirius said narrowing his eyes when he noticed his friend's problem.

"Well how does it hurt, I mean she does honestly look better," James said and I smile giddily and pull him to a hug and he rubs my back subtly.

While Sirius mutters something like: "You sad, weak little man," after which James glares at him.

"Well seen as I'm staying I'm going to have a nice long hot shower," I said dreamily.

"Just don't use all the hot water," Sirius called out as I walked through the bathroom door.

"What do you care?" I shout back with a grin. "You can tell by the way you smell that you never use it!"

"Oi!"

Once the door was closed I collapsed against it closing my eyes bringing my hands to cover them and I sink slowly to the floor. Finally I get a moments peace, ever since I was sick this morning they've been fussing over me like I was some little kid. Granted it was nice at first but then it got annoying, and then when they wanted to get a healer it was plain torture.

I think back to what actually happened, I got up this morning fixed myself some toast, then tried to eat it and I got sick. Over fricking toast!

I slowly undressed and stepped into the shower and let the water spray lightly over my body. It was kind of comforting in a way and it clears my mind as though I'm going into a void where all there is was peace – but one thought can make this shatter; something really important. I was late – my period was late.

And my first thought was - maybe Alice isn't the only one pregnant! Naturally my second was denial; that's stupid, I mean James and I have always careful, always.

I'm probably just too stressed out. But then I think it's better safe then sorry and after I've finished in the bathroom I go back to my room and lock the door. I search frantically through a copy of witch weekly to find the right words for a spell I knew was in there, and then I grab my wand and mutter the correct incantation.

The results were all to clear! Crap, I'm pregnant.

I need to sit down, wait; I'm already sitting down. It's probably wrong; I mean spells can go wrong can't they? I get changed into a pair of my comfiest jeans and an old shirt. Then I repeat the incantation. Same bloody result!

I bit my lip as I think about the implications of what this meant. But after a while my head starts to hurt so I fall backwards onto my bed and turn aroung so that I can stuff my face into my pillow and try to block off the outside world.

I always thought that if I got pregnant, it would be because I was in a loving relationship, even though in theory I am, where we would both want children, I don't even know where James stands on that situation. But I do know that this isn't the right time to bring a child into this world. I mean, I'm not even supposed to be in a relationship in the first place, let alone with a colleague.

I'd probably have to leave the order for a while or be involved in less interesting aspects of it, neither of which is something I want to do. But I do know that I would never get rid of this child growing inside me, it's just going to be hard, a really hard and shitty time.

A knock on the door brought me to my senses. "Yeah," I mumble.

"Brought you some lunch," a voice said and instantly I knew it was James. I pull myself up and open the door for him, and then I go back immediately and lay on my bed but I turn so I can see his face looking on curiously obviously knowing that something is wrong. "You feeling ill again Lily?" he asked with genuine concern.

"I'm fine," I replied in a deadpanned response momentarily looking away as I lied and when my eyes met his again I saw a flash of hurt cross his face. "I'm just... tired that's all," I said, more responsive this time smiling gently.

"Okay, I'll just leave this here on the floor then," he said indicating to the sandwich on a tray that he had brought me.

"Wait!" I said quickly before he left. When he turned back around I ran my hands through my hair again before I asked vulnerably, "Can you just stay with me for a while?" He nodded and fell to my side.

There was always something comforting that made me go to sleep easily when I was laying down with James, he's kind of like my security blanket, except that he's, well, human. Maybe it was the way he placed his arm around me; protecting me from the nightmares I endure or the way he stroked my stomach as if it were lulling me to close my eyes.

But today for some reason I felt my eyes well up with tears, stupid hormones. I guess it has to do with the pregnancy I just found out about and being in a forbidden relationship and doing the job I do and it's just crept up on me. Granted I had a good cry in James arms the day we actually set out for this bloody journey but still give me a break, I'm just a girl who at the moment is afraid, who just wants to hide from the world.

James must of noticed my tears and whispered into my ear asking what was wrong but I said nothing, I just cried more, so he held me closer more tightly as though he was trying to comfort me and help me find peace from whatever I was upset about.


	6. Surveillance with Bont

-1I left Lily when I could safely hear her breathing deepen telling me that she'd fallen asleep before I disentangled myself from her, which was when I found myself in hard situation, in more ways than one. I think the sensual smell of her hit me just as I leaned over to pull my arm away without waking her up, and after pulling away I had to sit in the room for a little while longer repeating the mantra 'think unsexy thought' kinda hard as I noticed the curves of her lips and how soft they looked... Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts… Sirius in a bikini… that worked!

I finally went into the living room to find Sirius pouring over a map, I went over there a took a sip of the extra cup that had been set up and then grimaced.

"I made that brew over an hour ago," he smirked at me as I muttered 'twat' under my breath. But then his features softened and he asked how lily was as I made another round of brew's.

"I don't know, somethings up and she just wanted me to stay for a little while as she tried to sleep…"

"I think Stella's death hit her harder than she thought…" he concluded, but I wasn't convinced. "It would have been worse if it'd of been Alice though," this time I did believe that though, Lily and Alice were quite close, had been since Hogwarts.

"Oh yeah," I said as I threw a sugar cube at him.

"Excuse me," he exclaimed in mock annoyance, "what did I do to deserve such harsh treatment?"

"You didn't tell me about Alice…"

"ahhh… hoping you'd forget that," he grabbed the sugar cube and threw it at me I shot him a look of irritation. "You thought I was the Father you pompous arse."

"Not as if you haven't been with her before," I pointed out, "and you're more than fond of your meaningless shags."

"Still…I was hurt." he replied again in mock annoyance. "At least I get laid," I swear I hear him mutter but I chose to ignore him as I sat at the table with him and pulled the map closer to me, "uptight bugger"

"I know I heard that," I said, and threw the sugar cube at him in retaliation.

"Stop with the sugar cubes… at least throw something a little more…" and he grabbed my cold coffee and threw it over me. "er… bye" and ran off as I sat there with coffee dripping down my face.

"It's cold," Sirius moans.

"I know," I reply.

"It's cold," Sirius moans again.

"I know," I reply again.

A few minutes later…"It's cold."

"Sirius…"

"Fine, I'll keep quiet then…" He said. Then a few moments later, "you won't hear a peep out of me. I chose to ignore it and then he mutters again, "really do with a nice hot water bottle," I didn't respond and he still continued, I proceeded to count to ten after he said "or a hot chocolate." It was quite for another moment, I got to 7 in my counting… "with marshmallows."

"Sirius!" I cried exasperated bringing down my hands in a swift annoyed motion.

"Fine! It's just cold that's all I'm sayin…"

"I get that, but you mentioning it all the time is not helping," I replied.

"Don't know why we don't caste a warming charm?" Sirius moans, I open my mouth to say something but Sirius starts again first imitating me. "Yeah, I know it's a blue fire that'd cause muggles to get all scared and stuff… yada yada yada," he finishes with a smirk.

"I don't talk like that…" I scuffed my foot on the gravel path. We'd been walking on the hills surrounding us to get to know the area. Maps tell you one thing but not the state of the buildings, they could be magnificent and grand surrounded by landscape gardens, or disused crumbling buildings more like shacks surrounded by acre's of vast bare land, the latter being an accurate example of a death eater hang out..

"Yeah you do. And face it you always talk like it, accept your destiny."

"I'd rather get off this hill," I decided, scouting the empty fields for… well anything. "There's the building over there, fancy a look?"

"Nowt else to do," Sirius sighed.

We trudged over to the building, groaning occasionally as we noticed the land was uneven and on a rising slope. By the time we got close, we noticed it was in a reasonable condition but something was slightly off. I looked at my best friend and he gave me a look that meant he felt the same. I dumped my old rucksack on the ground not caring if any mud got on it and pulled out my invisibility cloak and gathered it round Sirius and myself. We walked closer to the house in slow steps, trending carefully as to not make any noise and went to the windowsill. Peering over, I noticed the house was lacking furniture and that there were a few sleeping bags arranged haphazardly around the room. Rubbish littered the floor as well as a few rags of clothing noting that somebody must have at least been squatting there.

"Death eaters?" Sirius whispered.

"Can't tell mate," I answered him in the same whispered hush.

"I can, smells of the stinky bastards… the stench was burned into my head from living with my family" he mutters.

"whoever it is, there's no one here at the moment." I looked at my watch, 5:30. It'll be dark soon, "we can wait around mate and see if anyone turns up or just take a few picture with the camera come back tomorrow and see if anything's been disturbed over night."

"it is cold," he mutters thoughtfully and I glare at him. After I cast a quick charm to see if there are any protection spells on the building, there weren't, he leans over the window sill and was about to swing a leg over. Until it got caught on the edge and he fell forwards landing on the floor with a great crash. I shake my head in disbelief, clumsy git.

I move to the front entrance and he's already there with the door open. "why didn't you just use alohomora?"

"more fun that way," he replies with a grin as he moves out of the way. "Feels like that guy from those films Lily watches, "Bont, James Bont."

"Its Bond Sirius, and technically we are spys already…" I note our exact co-ordinates after a quick spell.

"but we use the door normally, I don't like using the door…"

"you'll fall over less," I mutter as he carries on in his rant and is taking pictures of the surroundings.

"but we have cooler camera's and magic, spies with magic are a lot more sophisticated…"

He keeps his rant going as we work, but it makes me smile rather than annoying him. We decide that it was getting to late and we head back to Lily, a lot happier now that he realised he was going somewhere warm Sirius was pretty much bouncing the whole way back. He mention that it where we were would be a very good place to take Padfoot for a walk, I half expected him to transform then and there and want to play fetch, but I think his growling stomach won over.

By the time we got back, Lily was fast asleep on the couch, a warm broth over the stove ready for us. I grabbed a blanket and placed it over her as she lay by the fire, tucking her back behind her ear.


End file.
